An excerpt from my yet to be published novel "The Gin Asian Hockey Diaries" I present this item. My memory is hazy as to the exact year this took place but I would assume 2001 or there abouts. Feel free to provide some feedback and enjoy!
Julie came over and we were off to Mario’s for margaritas and more Mexican food and that’s when things got interesting. We met Tom Snark and sucked down a few margies at the bar and Tom’s mom showed up and had a few as well. There were some Sauza tequila girls who weren’t half bad looking but not exactly smoking either. They were hocking 5 dollar shots of Sauza and were followed by some tall Lurch-like fucker who we all acknowledged look hauntingly like Iggy Pop. The bimbos were handing out plastic shot mugs, hats and t-shirts and other promo gimmicks...that sort of thing. We tried to hit them up for merchandise but they said no and went around the bar talking to everyone much like some of the Bar Girls in Tijuana the only difference being you tend to get more then a plastic shot glass when you play your cards right. And by using the term "playing your cards right" I really mean having 20 bucks to spare and knowing the real ones from the pawns.
Julie was drunk and as annoying as she could be and gave me a dirty look every time I talked to one of the Sauza bimbos. She was 29 going on the 10th grade and I ignored the occasional stink eye she threw at me. Anyhow I talked to the Sauza Bimbos and made jokes about how Iggy Pop was their pimp. In reality he was a good guy and later brought us back hats and t-shirts, which plays a vital role in the story as you will soon read......he really did look like Iggy Pop though.
It didn’t appear as if Tom's mom was drinking a whole lot but when got to the table I noticed a strange opaque like globule on her shirt. I kind of ignored it and we ate a quesadilla appetizer and enjoyed ourselves. Well Toms Mom didn’t eat anything she just sort of sat there with a glazed look. I order a big combo plate, which Julie and I were going to share and consequently did. Things were going along swimmingly as we all ate except for Tom's mom who kept her head on the table and said how drunk she was(well not exactly in those terms you know I am paraphrasing here).
Pretty soon Iggy Pop and the Sauza girls came back and indeed give us each a hat and t shirt. The mens shirts were black and had a big green silhouette of a margarita and the sauza logo on the back while the womens shirts were white in same style only exception being the margarita silhouette was pink. I can never turn down a free t shirt and praised my good fortunes.
Pretty soon I noticed his Mom throwing up....it wasn’t exactly a good ole' big chunky style of puke really more of a pure liquid alcohol style of a brownish hued semi watery puke and to her credit-she did a fantastic job of playing it off and was pretty casual or at least as casual as can be while sitting at a table vomiting in a Mexican restaurant on Cinco de Mayo. It takes a special kind of woman who can puke on the middle of a table and still manage to throw out a handful of very funny one liners to keep the others amused.
She used her brand new Sauza t-shirt the sauza girls and Iggy Pop gave her and used it to wipe her mouth. Our poor Mexican waitress noticed she wasn’t doing well ....maybe had something to do with a sopping wet semi-brown puke filled white Sauza T-shirt sitting squarely on the middle of the table. Anyhow she(the waitress) had a worried look on her face and brought out a wash cloth/dish rag for her. It appeared as if the waitress had wet the rag down and Tom looked kind of funny cleaning the puke off his mom face as Julie and I tried to play it off. Truth be told we weren't getting let one little puking in the restaurant incident ruin our evening and we then proceeded to finish our plate as I fed her the last bite; which for a split moment seemed odd since we were having a crab enchilada but it really didn’t bother us at all and we almost considered ordering a deep fried ice cream in flagrant disregard of the pile of puke on the middle of the table which at this point was starting to pool on the floor.
Julie ended up helping Tom’s mom into the bathroom while he and I corralled the waitress for the check. Tom slipped me some cash and said to take care of the tab. The bill came and it was 45 bucks.....I gave the girl 55 bucks as I figured having to clean up a mound of puke had to count for something.
I planned on taking a cab back to the apartment but as I walked outdoors with the fresh air and a full stomach I didn't feel nearly as intoxicated as I should have given the circumstances and decided to drive home. Made it home and there never was a real question. It was a great day and I couldn't wait to get home and have my way with Julie . I knew though I couldn’t be scragging her all night long though as I had to get up a little early to drive up to El Segundo and play in my monthly Ice Hockey game with all my crazy hockey friends. Ive played hungover in the past and while I didn't mind it wasn't my first option. But staying up the entire night having some fun with a female companion is a much harder proposition then simply boozing and passing out. Its not so much about focus as it is about energy and stamina. Then again-waking up early and tired to drive to LA is much more rewarding when its due to Item B then Item A. Sometime the combo effect here after known as Item C can be lethal.
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